You’ve come to the realization that one or both of your parents have narcissistic personality disorder. Perhaps you have established boundaries with you parents. Or maybe you’re just starting to. But there’s one set of boundaries you need to establish fast. And there can be no giving in on them.
What boundaries are these?
The ones around your kids.
The Danger of Narcissistic Grandparents
Do you remember the emotional abuse that your narcissistic parent heaped on you as a child? On top of that, think back to all the manipulations, criticisms, and blame that your parent laid on you.
Do you really want your parent spending time with your children knowing their potential for harm?
Do you want the same person that abused you to have a shot at your children?
Your narcissistic parent will not be warm and supportive of your parenting. Why would he? Your narcissistic parent has never supported you—unless it served his ends. Continue reading
It’s not uncommon for everyone you know to think your narcissistic parent is the greatest thing since spray cheese. Meanwhile, you’re amazed. Can’t everyone see he’s an ass?
No, they can’t. Remember, a narcissist presents a false image of himself to the world. To everyone outside the family he’s kind, caring, generous, lovable, and he might even be one to lend an ear and listen to another’s problems. He’s not the same angry, miserly, unlovable lout that you know.
The differences between the two sides of your parents makes you think you’re insane. Continue reading
Watch Out for Your Narcissistic Parent’s Con
Narcissists are like con men—they’re always scheming for a way to pull one over on you. You can set up boundaries to protect yourself, but they find the weaknesses in your defenses and slink through. And before you know it you find yourself the patsy in their con.
Where a conman uses visions of riches to ensnare their victims, narcissistic parents are likely to use your own guilt and anxiety to get what they want. The narcissistic parent’s demands are not always stated up front. At times they use a con to steal what they want from you.
Cons follow a predictable pattern that looks like this:
- Foundation Work—the narcissist makes their plan and lays the ground work for getting what they want from you.
- Approach—this involves getting in touch with you. This stage is carefully prepared and they come armed with what will make you feel guilty so you lower your boundaries.
- Build-up—the narcissist introduces their scheme to you. What they want will mostly not be stated outright. They use this stage to lower your guard so they can get what they want.
- Pay-off—the narcissist appears to give to you, his victim, something that you have been wanting. This may be a physical gift or an emotional promise. The narcissist knows what you yearn for so they know just how to pay you so you can be easily manipulated.
- They Hurrah—this is a sudden crisis or unexpected development in which the adult child of the narcissist is pushed or forced to act. Once the hurrah is triggered the child is putty in the narcissist’s hands and will give her what she wants.
(For more information on how cons work, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confidence_trick#Stages_of_the_con)
Right now I’m trying to figure out the hurrah in my father’s attempt to con me. Continue reading