Does something like this happen to you frequently? You’ve worked as far as you can on a project at work. You need information, but the person who has it is your supervisor. You approach his office and see he is reading a stack of papers. Afraid of bothering him, you retreat to your desk.
You go past your boss’ office several times that day. Each time, the fear of bothering him overwhelms you, even when he’s standing by the window, hands on his hips, doing nothing.
This has nothing to do with your boss’ personality. He has never been anything but kind to you. It’s just that you don’t like to intrude and bother people.
For instance, you won’t take back the blender that you recently purchased that doesn’t work. You’re nervous about bothering the customer service staff. Last night at a restaurant your soup was cold. However, you didn’t send it back because you didn’t want to bother the server. Continue reading
You don’t expect it to happen. But it does. Your narcissistic parent one day seems old to you. Frailer in body, but not so much in personality.
She may need help getting groceries. Maybe she can’t drive anymore.
Suddenly, no matter what boundaries you’ve erected in the past, you find yourself facing a dilemma. Without you, your mom can’t get groceries, get to the doctor, or pick up her medicine.
When this happens, what are your responsibilities?
The Demands of an Aging Narcissistic Parent
Over the last couple of years I’ve lived this dilemma with my father. He lived alone in a one bedroom apartment. His personality had finally driven everyone away, so he was left with a single friend that sometimes provided rides or picked up a few groceries. Continue reading
Your narcissistic parent doesn’t like it when you have an impressive accomplishment. He feels that you are showing him up.
But he uses your accomplishment for his own glorification. He finds a way to take credit for what you did. Or if he doesn’t take credit directly, he lets your accomplishment shine on him as you are his son or daughter.
When you were a child, if your parent supported you in activities where you could produce accomplishments or victories, it wasn’t because he wanted to support your personal growth.
No. Your parent did it for what he got out of it. He basked in your accomplishment as if he had achieved what you did. Your victory gave him a chance to take credit for the skills you developed, even though they were not his. Continue reading
It’s not uncommon for everyone you know to think your narcissistic parent is the greatest thing since spray cheese. Meanwhile, you’re amazed. Can’t everyone see he’s an ass?
No, they can’t. Remember, a narcissist presents a false image of himself to the world. To everyone outside the family he’s kind, caring, generous, lovable, and he might even be one to lend an ear and listen to another’s problems. He’s not the same angry, miserly, unlovable lout that you know.
The differences between the two sides of your parents makes you think you’re insane. Continue reading
As narcissism’s child, you weathered a constant storm of criticism. At times it seemed you could do nothing right. Your grades were criticized. How you performed your chores was not good enough. You may even have been criticized for the way you smelled, chewed your food, or chose to dress.
What made the criticism even worse is If you had a sibling who was your parent’s “golden child”—the child they favored and placed on display. You faced constant criticism in relation to her. You faced putdowns like these on a daily basis:
• “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”
• “Your sister gets A’s on her report card. Why can’t you?
• Your sister keeps her room clean, why can’t you? Continue reading
You never know what to expect from a narcissist. I thought I had purged my father’s ability to have any control over my feelings and actions from my being. In my last post I related how I came to the realization—tearfully—that my father is never going to love me and be the father I want him to be. I also shared how I came to know that I have been his tool all my life
.My mistake was to assume that I was in control now when I faced my father. Just like the young monk who thinks he has gained enlightenment after a single moment of realization, I got slapped down like the Zen master would strike the monk. And, for a few days, I was more mentally fucked up than I have ever been. Continue reading