Back in sixth grade, my class put on a play. After the play, my girlfriend and I snuck off to an empty classroom.
We were quite excited as we never had the chance to be alone during school. In my excitement I forgot about my narcissistic mother.
But I quickly remembered her when she burst through the class room door. Anger roiled off her like a demon who broke his bonds.
In her anger, she didn’t care about maintaining appearances in front of my girlfriend. She started raging right in front of her. She yelled, “How dare you leave me in the auditorium alone? I was waiting and waiting for your thoughtless ass.” Of course she threw in question of how could I do this after everything she does for me.
She told me she put aside some money to take me out after the play. “There’s no way we’re doing that now,” she said. “I only take out my children that love me. And you’re clearly not one of them.” Continue reading
In my last post I discussed why, as adults, we still fear our narcissistic parents. I wrote about how one way to get through this fear is to get angry at your parent.
But what if you can’t get angry? Or what if the anger doesn’t burn away all your fear?
Then it becomes time to face your fear and work through it. Only by allowing ourselves to confront our fears can we truly be free of them.
Here is how you work through your fear.
Ask, What Am I Afraid Of?
The fear we feel when we’re afraid of something tends to be a generalized fear. For instance we may feel fear when we think of having contact with our narcissistic parent. That fear fills us and our mind stays locked in fear mode. Continue reading
As an adult child of narcissistic parents, it is completely normal for you to live in a constant state of fear. Even though you are free of your narcissistic parent, you may still be afraid of them.
You may feel that if you perform some slight—either real or perceived—that there will be shell to pay and retribution. Maybe you receiving a fear punishment from your parent. This fear can be that she still can punish you as she did when you were a child. Or maybe she has some hold over you, perhaps financial, where she can take something away that you need.
Perhaps you fear she may verbally attack you in some way as she did when you were an adolescent. You may simply still fear his disapproval. She conditioned you to want to please her. And even though you’re an adult, that need to please is still here. So you are afraid you’ll do something that she will disprove of. Continue reading
Does something like this happen to you frequently? You’ve worked as far as you can on a project at work. You need information, but the person who has it is your supervisor. You approach his office and see he is reading a stack of papers. Afraid of bothering him, you retreat to your desk.
You go past your boss’ office several times that day. Each time, the fear of bothering him overwhelms you, even when he’s standing by the window, hands on his hips, doing nothing.
This has nothing to do with your boss’ personality. He has never been anything but kind to you. It’s just that you don’t like to intrude and bother people.
For instance, you won’t take back the blender that you recently purchased that doesn’t work. You’re nervous about bothering the customer service staff. Last night at a restaurant your soup was cold. However, you didn’t send it back because you didn’t want to bother the server. Continue reading
As narcissism’s child, you weathered a constant storm of criticism. At times it seemed you could do nothing right. Your grades were criticized. How you performed your chores was not good enough. You may even have been criticized for the way you smelled, chewed your food, or chose to dress.
What made the criticism even worse is If you had a sibling who was your parent’s “golden child”—the child they favored and placed on display. You faced constant criticism in relation to her. You faced putdowns like these on a daily basis:
• “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”
• “Your sister gets A’s on her report card. Why can’t you?
• Your sister keeps her room clean, why can’t you? Continue reading